One Direction?

I am at a crossroads and I don’t know where I am going. This is half my problem with why I am feeling so lost. I am waiting on a promotion that I was promised six months ago. It’s being dangled in front of my face like a cupcake. I am going above and beyond doing things considered out of my job description to show I am capable of being this position I was promised.

And it fucking sucks. I am at wits ends with it. I am ready to start my search for another job that will follow through on the promises they have made. That will pay me for the job they are asking me to do.

On top of that, I am unsure of what I want my career to be.

Do I want to be a hair stylist when all that is said and done?

Do I want to work in costumer service?

Do I want to write?

Where the hell do I want to go.

I would love to focus on my writing. I want to improve my skills as a writer and become one everyone enjoys.

Unfortunately for me, I am my worst critic. I am extremely hard on myself and second guess everything I do. Every piece I write. Every poem that pours from my fingers I am worried about. I think it will suck, or no one will like it. I am worried that I am not good enough to do anything. That there is someone better and I will be kicked under the bed and forgotten.

Years of hearing I am not good enough has damaged me. I am extremely self conscious of my writing. It come from my heart and how can someone tell you what you think sucks or how you feel is stupid?

I am trying to ignore these feelings of doubt. I am trying to find the confidence to do what I want. I am trying to enjoy my passion and continue it but some days are hard. Sometimes I can’t imagine writing another piece.

Other days I am overwhelmed with confidence and write for hours.

I am sure everyone else has these feelings about whatever they do that they are passionate about. How do you deal with it? How do you continue to do what you love regardless of the people who tell you that you can’t or are not ever going to amount to anything?

I am just looking for the right direction.

Dustin’ my keyboard off….

Let’s all dust my keyboard off together. It’s been a insanely ridiculous amount of time since I have written anything that has been posted. To be honest I have started multiple posts but never end up finishing any of them. By the time I get to the end I believe what I wrote is lame and so I never finish it.

So here’s hoping that doesn’t happen… Again

Half the reason none of these post are not getting finished are because I don’t like them the other half is I don’t feel like myself lately and I haven’t been happy with everything in my life.

So I am the point where I want this to be done and not let this be another unfinished post, so when I start jumping around ideas bear with me. I am determined to finish one post.

Lately I have been tired and I have no energy. I literally could sleep all day and all night. I have to force myself to get up and do anything other than work. I’m wrestling with a lot of feelings and I keep everything somewhat securely locked up. When I do go out I put on a smile and enjoy the company I am out with. I have fun when I am out. It’s when I am home by myself that the issues become real again.

I am depressed. I am desperately looking for way to fix it but I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what’s bothering me. Well I guess I do. I like who am I but I am not in love with who I am right now. I am a slightly insecure person and criticism does rip me to shreds. When anyone, especially someone close to me  says something negative about me it consumes me… for what feels like a lifetime.

I can lie to myself and others that it doesn’t bother me, but deep down it does and I am replaying it over and over in my head. When someone in my family says something bad about me it is the worst. I really can’t take it. Lately I have been excited about the idea of going back to school for marketing and someone in my family isn’t very supportive. They really haven’t been supportive of many of my choices in the last 5 years.

It’s been hard since even though I am extremely independent I still want my decisions to please everyone else. I don’t feel good enough for them. I don’t feel like I amount to anything compared to my sister and brother. My sister’s is a nurse and my brother is going to school for anesthesiologist. Great careers with great pay.  I have a lot to live up to and I still don’t even know what the hell I want to do. But nothing is ever good enough. No career ever makes enough, nothing seems to be enough.

So I am searching for something that I love to do but also satisfies everyone else’s expectations. I don’t know how to not care about what they want or think. I don’t know how to say fuck them and do what I want. I did once and I was always happy.

I like making decisions for myself. I don’t like anyone telling me what to do. I just forgot how to not care what everyone thinks or wants. Its hard when you can see the disappointment in their eyes. Or how they try to talk you up to others more than you are. I know what they really think. It’s the same thing I think when I realize I am no where closer to my goals as I was a year ago.

I really want to go back to being happy. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have to really get to the bottom of my issues. It’s the hardest thing I can possibly do because I hate to honestly look at myself just everyone else. I like to pretend the problems don’t exist and bury them deep. It will be a hard road. Even this post was hard. I have been crying for most of it. But I already feel a little better. A little weight has been lifting knowing I got started.

I let whatever I needed to say tonight flow from the tips of my fingers. It is a finished blog post. Something that has been a task I couldn’t face for over a month now. Hopefully this will help me get started to write again.

I hope I still have some followers left who like to read my crazy posts.

I am famous..

And not because I wanted to be. A few weeks ago I was done at Venice beach with my friend. I was asked if I would answer some questions for a Youtube video. I had said yes, but my best friend said Fuck no. She is the smart one of the two of us.

So I did my interview and walked away thinking nothing of it. No one is going to see the video, it’s no big deal. Little did I know the guy who did this video gets millions of views and has a shit ton of followers. The same day he posted it I had multiple people calling, texting, sending me facebook comments saying they saw me in a Youtube video and it was soo funny. No one could stop laughing.

Fucking great… so much for no one I know seeing it. So then I decided I wanted to look at the comments which is a horrible idea since people are rude.

There were nice comments and really mean comments. Like horrible comments about me from people who don’t even know me. At first it really hurt my feelings. I was horrified that I was in the video, hurt that people would be so mean and mad because you don’t need to call me a bitch when you don’t even know me.

I have been trying to wrap my head around some things people say. I just don’t understand why you need to criticize someone on how they look. I may talk shit about things people say or how they act but I don’t usually say things about their looks. That’s below the belt to me. Plus none of you know who I am talking about on here because I don’t use their real names.

Its okay if I am not your cup of tea and you aren’t attracted to me but there is no need to be down right rude about me. I have a new-found respect for celebrities. It has to be hard to keep your self-esteem up with everyone out there tearing you apart. Scrutinizing every little thing about you. To be able to ignore the mean things people say about you is hard. I am going to have to just ignore this video and not read the comments because I am going to tear myself a part reading what these jerks on Youtube have to say about me.

Hope everyone has a good week next week. Maybe I’ll share the video with you guys if I start to feel better about it.

Men With Swag

Nothing turns me on more than a man with swag.

Unfortunately for me, last night I didn’t find a single dude up to my swag standards. I went out Friday night with my coworker and her friends to the Saddle Ranch at City Walk Universal Stuidos.  It was three pretty hispanic girls and their little white girl tag-a-long me.

I kid.. I kid.. I was kind of awkward in the beginning. Everyone else knew each other and I was new to the group. But it was all dandy. We go to the club/bar whatever it is and got our drinks and went to the dance floor to check it out.

I look out into the crowd and I notice my first issue. I can see over 95% of everyone’s head. As I have said before, I am 5’9” and I always wear high heels so I am just about 6’0” in them. So everyone is under 6’0”… awesome. Right as I make this realization a 5’7” peice of dark chocolate with a pretty face walks up to me.

DC: Hi my name is say no more.

Me: Nice to meet you.

DC: You are sexy as fuck. (as he proceeds to twirl me around in a circle.

Me: Thanks

DC: Don’t get a big head on me now.

Me: I wasn’t, I was taking your compliment.

DC: (mumbles something about dancing and something.)

Me: uhm sure, come find me later I am off with my friends. Bye. (and hurriedly scurried away)

He definitely had a magic way with words this one. Call me old-fashioned, but if you are going to introduce yourself to me, give me your government name please and thank you. Secondly if you are going to try to be witty, please use something that is actually funny and that intrigues me. Next when you compliment a woman using the word fuck is probably not a smart idea. Also, please don’t call me sexy as your starting point.

I will take beautiful, gorgeous, attractive, nice eyes, great legs, nice hair, good cheek bones, a great smile. You know something specific towards me. Not some generic lame line that you can use on 15 others girls. And don’t say I am beautiful as fuck, my eyes are pretty as fuck. That does not make me excited in anyways.

As we walked off the girls laughed and said look at you already. I just laughed and said too bad he was too short and had the intelligence of a 15 year old. They then proceeded to tell me he was the perfect height for breast feeding. I laughed and said very funny bitches.

This was the start to a night where I have now began to question men in southern california. Do they really have swag? Was it just an off night? Was I in a club full of desperate dudes? I can not wait to go up north next month and see my friends. See dudes that I know have swag. I need to find more places out here with dudes that are up to my standard.

Tomorrow I will write more about my interesting Friday night.

Is Heaven Real?

Today started out like any other day. Get up before seven a.m. go to work, be miserable at work due to things outside of my control. Go home change and go to job number two and hope to God I don’t fuck it up. Especially since I am just winging it.

When I got to job number two my Mom proceeds to tell me about this book she stayed up all night reading last night. I am in shock she actually read a book. My mother and my sister hate reading. My brother, dad and myself could spend everyday the rest of our lives reading. So I was amazed when she said she read a three hundred page book in one night. I was damn impressed with her. Only to actually find out the book is a little under two hundred pages but still it was a good effort on her part.

I can tell she is overly excited to tell me about this book she read. So for 30 minutes I listen to her replay details from what she read to me. It was really interesting things. So I decided when I got home I would read it too since it is on her Ipad.  The book is called Heaven For Real.

It’s a mother and fathers account of things their son has told them about Heaven, Jesus and God. A brief overview is the father is a pastor, and the mother a part-time teacher and they both help the community. The father has three major injuries/illnesses all with three to four months of each other and then their little 3 year gets sick and his appendicitis go undetected for nearly five days almost killing the little boy.

After he gets better over the years he tells his parents things about heaven that he would have no other way of knowing if he hadn’t actually seen it. He also describes things they were doing while he was in surgery and a child that his mother miscarried and had never been told about. He talks about family members that have passed and that he met in heaven and the future that is to come for his father. All in all this is a pretty convincing story.

Religion has always been something I struggle with. As a child I had what the father in this story called the childlike faith. I believed because I was told it was true and my innocence hadn’t tought me otherwise yet. It was easy for me then. There was a God and Jesus and Heaven and I wanted to make sure that was where I ended up.

But as you grow you lose that innocence you have. Recently I was having a conversation with my Dad about my little sister, who is an awful a lot like me, to which he said, “it makes me feel so horrible inside when people make fun of her. It is just like when you were a little girl. If someone was mean to you it broke my heart and made me so angry, because all I could think is how can you be so hurtful to a child so little and sweet.”

It’s true if you can believe it. This fowl mouthed woman we have today used to be a caring ball of love. I loved anyone and everyone and everything. I was happy and sweet. But as time went on and the more people hurt the sweet little girl you learn to not be so nice and not let people just push you around anymore.

That’s when I started questioning if God was really there or not. I couldn’t imagine that if God loved me as much as I was told he did why he would let these people hurt me. Or why he would have my parents divorce. Didn’t God want me to grow up in a happy family too?  Why did God let me hurt so much that even when my mom tells me some of the things that happened I can’t remember because apparently my subconscious has blocked these horrible things out.

When my grandmother died that was it for me. I was so angry with God. I would pray but it wasn’t the normal, ” please give my strength to get through this” prayer. It was how could you do this to me. Why would you take her away from me? First my parents are divorced and now you take away the person who is always there for us. What the hell did we do to deserve this. I always tried to believe in God but that just made me think, “why am I praying or trying to be a good christian when he is letting everyone hurt.”

I watched one of my good friends struggle while her dad fought and lost his battle to cancer for over five years. What was that for? What are you trying to show them? I couldn’t grasp it. I am sure I wasn’t suppose to understand the reason. They say he works in mysterious ways.

All in all I have battled these emotions for years, and I know I am not alone in my doubts of God. I have talked about it with plenty of people. Plus my Dad doesn’t agree with religion, he believes there is something, he just doesn’t believe that Jesus was our savior and most things the Bible says.

After reading this book though I can’t help but feel relieved that maybe what this book is saying is true. We have had some crazy experiences in our own family that have always made me wonder.

I don’t often pray for big things, mostly strength or something for someone else or to say thank you and I definitely do not pray as often as I should.

I guess ultimately I know I believe in God and heaven. This book makes me realize that I lost the blind faith I had as a child. I need to learn to accept life the way it is and realize I wouldn’t be handed more than I could handle.

I highly recommend this book. It was a quick and easy read that kept me thinking the whole time. It took my worries about death and life after death and put them at ease somewhat. I have something that sounds amazing to look forward to. The way this four-year old describes heaven makes me okay with the fact that one day we do have to die. Something I was/am seriously worried about.

The Hunger Games

So recently I started seeing posts on facebook about this book called “The Hunger Games.” I didn’t know what it was but then I started seeing previews for the movie they were making. All I knew is the majority of people on facebook were ridiculously excited for this shit. Like it was the next Harry Potter or something.

After watching the previews over and over again I couldn’t help but think. This movie actually looks pretty interesting. The next logical thought I had was, “well shit, I better go pick up the book because I hate seeing a movie if I haven’t read the book.” So while shopping at Target one day I saw it and grabbed it. I didn’t read the back, didn’t look at the price, just grabbed it. I assumed there was no way it could suck.

So after accomplishing nothing today other than taking a four-hour nap after work, I started reading this “amazing” book. It took me about four hours with a couple breaks but I finished it already. I don’t think I have finished a book in one day since…. never. Okay I probably have I just can’t remember it at the moment.

I personally thought this book was not as good as the hype made it sound. I felt as if it wasn’t as exciting as the movie seemed. The writing was simple. It was a mindless easy read. Nothing extraordinary in my opinion.

I love reading. I have loved reading my whole life. I love getting lost in books and feeling like I personally know the characters. After finishing an amazing book or series feeling like a lost some of myself because the book is now over and I wish I had more to read.

I love books that are exciting, that have me trying to read faster to know what is going to happen to the characters next. Is the murder going to get them? They have to somehow make it. What kind of book ends with the main character dying… A good one. You never would have seen that shit coming.

Maybe that was my issue. I knew everything that would happen.Nothing shocked me. It also seemed extremely predictable with the plot. Everything that was going to happen seemed quite apparent. Personally I felt like it was like reading the first book for the Twilight series. So I guess I will have to read the next one to see if the writing improves with each book.

On a side note, with the current situation with douchebag this book has kept my mind mindlessly occupied so I haven’t been able to dwell on it. Even better today I just don’t care anymore. He texted me regarding the trip money I need back from him and I wasn’t even mad that he wants to give it to my sister and not talk it out. I am over the idea that I cared more than he did. In the end its his loss. I know I am a fucking awesome person. Plenty of people I know love me and enjoy having me around. I am not going to let someone who enjoyed my enjoyed my company when it was convenient for them make me feel bad. I am now excited to have my gas money to go up north in two weeks to see my friends from home. I can’t wait to have a sleepless weekend out causing havoc with my best friend again.

Good night everyone. Have a wonderful hump day tomorrow. Get some, since I know I won’t.

 

And if you read The Hunger Games leave a comment and let me know what you think. I would love to hear someone elses opinion of it.

Monday Blues

Who has them?

Not this girl sitting at her mom’s laptop typing away! Okay I’ll admit when I woke up at 3:45 a.m. to go to work this morning I had them. I woke up thinking, “wow I feel good.” Then BAM it hit me. The guy I have been fawning over is a complete jack ass. That’s right cue remembering seeing him at the bar with two girls and not having the decency to tell me he wasn’t going to go to my softball game. All comes back to ya at 4 a.m. So I trucked through stocking my store up and listened to music because I was trying to keep my mind off of the situation. It makes me sick to my stomach. After finishing stocking in an ungodly quick amount of time. Which is completely not normal for me I was out on the floor playing barista for yet the umpteenth time in a row since I am basically a God at making drinks these days. 

I started getting into the rhythm of things. I was seeing more and more of my regulars. More and more are excited to see me when they come in. We talk about the time change and how some didn’t even realize it happen. We laugh and we joke, man do these people make my day. They are 95% of the time stoked to see me. I am 97% of the time just as excited to see them. I always try to say hi for a few minutes even during a rush.

 My lovely gorgeous work from home eye candy came in. I just caught him as I was coming back from my break and we laughed and joke and I couldn’t even remember yesterday. A friend I hadn’t seen in at least five years (he used to be my elementary school crush) came by and I gave him my number to call me sometime. Everything was better than it was at four a.m. By the time I went home I was feeling great.

Still confused as fuck as to what I am supposed to do with jackass. Still have no idea if he is going to call and try to figure this shit out. Still not sure if I am going to mammoth or not but at this moment I don’t care. I was going to the gym for a month almost every single day. I got sick and took a week two weeks off. I was getting back to being comfortable with jackass. So what am I going to do later today when secretly I am begging the phone to ring and it be him. Well I will be at the gym listening to Pandora kicking my own ass still secretly hoping he calls and I will be loving it.

I am also going to change my vacation I planned from three days in the lovely freezing snowy Mammoth to FOUR sleepless nights with my closest friends back home in the Bay Area. Not going to let this asshole mess up my happiness. Oh no, now I feel like I need to have more fun. I need to do more things. I need to make more friends here. He will feel like a dumb dumb when I run into him again somewhere. Good thing I didn’t really like going to his bar anyway. The play lame music and have lame bands so no worries of wanting to go drink there.

Unless someone I am hanging out with wants to go there. But I will cross that bridge when it comes. All in all it comes down to wanting someone who wants to spend time with me. Who will make time for me. Someone who doesn’t have a long reason for why they were late or didn’t text you or haven’t called you lately. Mammoth was something I wanted to do to get away. To see the snow before it was gone. But really he probably wouldn’t have cared if it was me or the next girl around the corner. So I am going to go somewhere that people are happy I am going to be there. That will plan fun and exciting adventures for us while I am there. I am going home to see my friends!