Revoke my mom license

Just kidding, I’ll keep it and my son but today did give me a mini heart attack. So let’s set the scene.

Little guy and I are at my office, he’s in the pack and play with his toys and I’m on my computer. He’s having a melt down throwing his toys outside the pack and play because obviously then he can get out. I tell him he’s fine and finish typing my email. I look back seconds later and small fry has a mouthful of blood.

I grab a napkin take him out and try to soak up some of the blood. He wriggling out of my arms to get to his ball and play. I’m checking his toys, the side of the pack and play and there’s no blood. His mouth still has blood coming out and I can’t see where exactly its coming from. First thing I think is of course you are wearing all white today. I’ve now called my mom four times, my best friend, my nurse sister and finally his father who actually answers the phone. I explain the situation and neither of us really know what to do so I’m like I’ll just take him to the Doctors. But now I’m like where do I go? I have Kaiser, I don’t think I can just go to his pediatrician. The ER is 30 minutes away, that seems too far. Where is the local urgent care? Why the fuck don’t I know where the urgent care is? That should be like a prerequisite to having a human. Then my mom calls and says come over here first. PERFECT.

So I load my vampire into the car and drive three minutes away to my moms. She takes him cleans his mouth and locates the source of the blood. Because you know my Mon is a real Mom and can handle any curveball you throw at her. She gets him a sippy cup of water and BAM my kids back to normal and he’s stopped bleeding. When I tell her I was about to take him to the doctors she just laughs.

This whole time I was ready to call out my safe word and have it be over. It was the first time I saw a “real” injury on my son. I didn’t freak out per se but I internally was very worried about my miniature person.

Being a new parent is stressful and I know it will get easier over time. But the same as these horrible local fire taught me I need to be more organized with the important documents and be ready for anything, I should also know what to do if my kid has a medical emergency. So for the month or so I am de cluttering my home and getting organized as well as finding my local urgent care.

Happy hump day everyone.

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Yesterday I ran 13.1 miles. Okay so I ran/walked it but I did it. Yesterday I woke up at 4:30 am, jumped out of bed and started getting ready for the day. I told myself “this is it, this is the day you trained for.” I got dressed, double checked my bag, tried to eat and couldn’t. I took my son to my mom’s and left to meet my friend. On the drive to the race we had to go through the canyon to get to Malibu and we saw the most beautiful sunrise. I couldn’t help but think it was going to be an amazing race. Once in Malibu we had to park about a mile away, no biggie on the walk to the race but oh man on the way back is it a long mile!

Nicole and I get in the chute and start turning on our music and our GPS tracking watches. My nerves are at a all time high. What if I didn’t train enough? What if my times are too slow and I am nowhere near my goal? What if I just pass out because I eat fast food way too often? I keep reminding myself. You can do this! You have done it before multiple times, heck girl you’ve ran a full marathon. Yeah you had a baby 9 1/2 months ago but you trained girlfriend you can do it.

The race starts off great, I feel strong and I am making great time. I have the beautiful ocean on my right and I think this is perfect. As the first hill starts I realize it doesn’t feel so hard. Running is so much easier when you aren’t pushing a 25 lb plus kid in a stroller. Everything is going great, I keep reminding myself “you run because others can’t and would kill for this opportunity.”

Mile 3, I feel great made it through my first hill. I am looking out at the ocean, it’s not too hot, it is a great morning to be running. My playlist isn’t what I wanted but hey at least my music is working. RuPaul’s station is not playing any songs by drag queens and to be honest that is just unacceptable. Nothing keeps you motivated like RuPaul telling you that you are a champion and that you are never going to fall but Britney’s work bitch will do.

Mile 6, my groined but not my groined starts to ache a bit. It’s happened before probably a tight muscle but usually my run ends shortly after. I have to keep going and I do. Around mile eight my whole quad is numb. I know it hurts but when I touch it my leg feels numb. At mile nine and half I walk for a few minutes. I think “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Now the mental game has begun. “Start running” I tell myself. My body doesn’t make any sort of effort to move from my slow walk to even a bounce. “C’mon girl its three and half more miles you just gotta keep going. You are coming up on a downhill you HAVE to run the downhill.” Reluctantly my body starts lurching forward. I push myself as much as I can to get through the downhills. Luckily the next two miles are down hill.

Mile 11, I have to walk again. I am trying to stretch out my aching shoulders, lift my knee to stretch my dead quad. I tell myself to just keep it going. You can make it to the finish line. Two more miles and you are done. (Minus the mile walk back to the car.) This is also the mile I realize I am not making my two and half hour goal so new goal finish under two hours and forty five minutes.

Mile 12, I am dead. It hurts, everything hurts. But I am almost done so I tell myself to just keep moving forward. If you stop for even one second you won’t start back up so just keep going.

Mile 12 1/2, I have 15 minutes to beat my new goal. I can do this. I start to jog a little bit. I tell myself you are .6 of a mile left. You just ran over 12 miles you can do .6. People are passing my slow jog but I am moving and that is all that mattered. I round the corner and see the finish line. Fuck yes thank you baby Jesus I can see the finish line. I feel a little pep come back into my step and I move a little quicker towards the finish line. I cross it and I can feel the tears welling up (you know the hormones of breastfeeding) and I grab the first food item I can find and then head over to get my medal.

Was this my best race? Hell no. Was it my worst? Definitely no. I didn’t hit my original goal but thats okay. Life isn’t perfect. You don’t always do as well as you wanted. Sometimes you altogether fail. The important thing is to pick yourself back up and keep going. I might not have had to pick myself up physically, but mentally I had to fight myself to keep moving at a turtle like jog. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. We have to train ourselves to keep going because it’s going to get hard. Life is going to hurt at times and you have to keep trying because every stage has beautiful moments and you have to go through the hard times to appreciate them.

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I promised to write

I promised myself I would write and I haven’t.

I tell myself I will write tonight after the baby goes to bed. Then I try to put him down in his crib, that doesn’t work. We end up cuddled in my bed until he falls asleep and then I think, ” I should just lay here and watch my recorded episode of Keeping up with the Kardashian’s.” So I do that instead, or I check emails, or go to sleep. Then as I fall asleep I think of what I would like to write about. I plan it all out and tell myself “tomorrow I will write that.” THEN when I wake up in the morning I have forgotten everything I thought up the night before. And then the cycle repeats.

I am really good at procrastinating. Especially when it comes to this. It’s frustrating because I talk all day. I literally never shut up and then I come home and stare at the blank screen. Not to mention I let my worries get the best of me. “What if someone I know reads it and they judge me?” “What if I embarrass my family?” “What if no one reads it?” Okay that one doesn’t really bother me since no one reads this anymore anyways. But in all serious what if I get going again and talk about real topics and am honest and now I have embarrassed my family. Or go viral for all the wrong reasons. I have been letting my fears get the best of me and I am really going to try and quite the voice that questions everything I do.  We all have self doubt. It’s normal, its been ingrained in us to be cautious. But I want to move past it.

I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I know it! I have run a fucking marathon in the past. It took me six hours of running (walking) to finish but I finished. So I can sit and write for 30 minutes without stopping. Even if it is just babbling like tonight. At least I started. This first step is starting and the rest will come. I am open to being a better writer and ready for this opportunity.



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The Big 3 Ohh

I turned thirty recently, goodbye twenties we had some fun. I  dropped out of college, completed cosmetology school, got married and divorced, lived in three states, ran a marathon, started a path down a career in Real Estate, met my boyfriend and now father of son. That is just skimming the surface.

I learned a lot in my twenties about myself. I learned that I am quite resilient and regardless of what I go through I pick up the pieces and keep going. Mostly because you just have to. I know life won’t stop for anyone. So I am continuously trying my best to keep going. When I was training for my marathon there were numerous amounts of people who told me I couldn’t do it. “You have bad knees, how can you expect to run 26 miles?” “You can’t possibly train enough.” “Are you sure you really want to do that?” Of course I did and every time someone told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t I was even more determined to do it. Was it hard as fuck? Yes! Were there moments during the six hours of running that I questioned why I really wanted to do it? Yes. Did I cry at mile twenty from sheer exhaustion? Yes. But I did it. I ran/walked a marathon and finished. I was so proud of myself for accomplishing something that many thought I could never do. So that is how I look at my life. I can accomplish anything I want. I just have to be stubborn enough to believe it and use the negative things people say as motivation.

I learned being positive is way harder than just being happy. I realized I am so full of fear of failing and it can be paralyzing. So much so that sometimes I don’t even want to start for the fear of failure. So every day I work on affirmations and only saying positive things to myself. I catch myself routinely saying “Sorry, I am dumb sometimes” and I wonder why I do that. Instead I should be saying “thank you for catching that, I must have missed it.” I still acknowledged I made a mistake but I am not putting myself down. I need to remember to build myself up. Self confidence starts with ourselves. I tell myself daily I am smart, I am successful, I can accomplish anything and I truly believe these things.

I learned that I really don’t know it all. I look back to when I was eighteen and knew everything and laugh. Our parents told us, “you don’t know as much as you think you do.”  Oh yes I did and you couldn’t tell me any different. Now I look at other eighteen year olds I meet and think man if you could only see how much life will change in the next ten years and how much you will learn! I now know you have to be open to opportunities in life and they are going to scare you. You aren’t going to want to do them but those are the best ones! You have to step out of your comfort zone in life to have a new and fulfilling life. I traveled a bit in my twenties but man I wish I could tell my younger self to travel even more! Once you have kids your priorities will change.

Looking back I loved my twenties, I had many ups and downs. My life has gone through a wonderful path of discovery and today I am becoming the mother and woman I know I was meant to be. I am so thankful for the life I have now and can’t wait to see what the next decade brings me.

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My Son

It has been so long since I have written anything and tonight as I laid my son down to sleep I couldn’t help but feel inspired. He is such a perfect little human. He shows me every day how to be a better human. He is my little ball of inspiration.

For someone who wasn’t sure if they would have kids and always said they didn’t want kids (because I was afraid I wouldn’t) my son was a surprise and a blessing. Being pregnant was terrifying. Being pregnant after only a couple of months of dating was insane! But we tumbled through with enormous ups and downs and made it to the finish line of labor.

Now that Oliver is here it feels as if he was always supposed to be here. I can honestly admit I feel as if my life is complete in a way. But Oliver made me to realize I need to do more. Before my son I was getting by; I made enough to pay my bills and go out and have fun. I thoroughly enjoyed my twenties. Now I want to grow. Create a career to support my family and have the financial independence we all dream of.  So I began listening and reading self improvement book after self improvement book. At first I think my boyfriend thought I was going through a phase. But the more books I buy and the more enthused I get he can tell how serious I am. So I wanted to document it. I know there are thousands of other Mom’s trying to balance their work home lives.

How do we become successful in our careers and not miss out on the precious moments with our families?

The easy answer is we are going to miss out on moments. But we have to choose how we spend the moments and that’s what I am going to work on learning.  I am going to share my ups and downs with everyone. This process isn’t going to be easy. I am going to make mistakes. I am probably going to break down and cry at least a dozen times but I am going to continue because I have to. I want my son to see that hard work pays off. It doesn’t matter where you come from you can give yourself the world if you create it. I watch him get on his hands and knees and rock back and forth until he throws himself forward and lands on his face. He cries occasionally, sometimes out of frustration but it never deters him from getting back up and trying to crawl again. So everytime I think about giving up I will think back to my son trying to crawl and remember we don’t give up.

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Forgiveness is difficult for me. Not because I am unable to forgive others. But because I often find myself forgiving others to easily. I try to let go of the pain (or hide) others have caused me so I can forget about it even happening.

Is it wrong to forgive so much and so often? Am I hurting myself in the long run by keeping people who have hurt me in my life? When is it time to forgive and not let them back in?

I personally know plenty of people who will cut others out of their lives for the slightest indiscretion. They can kick friends and family out of their lives and not even bat an eye.

Then on the other hand you have people like myself (or only myself) who forgive almost everyone for almost everything. I don’t forget the past hurt and the pain can be brought back to the surface full force if the act keeps reoccurring. But I always seem to let everyone back in. I’m pretty sure I even hand them the knife and show them where I’m the most tender.

The problem is I can’t see myself being any other way. I think of how miserable I’d be if I didn’t forgive. I would hate a lot of people. I would hate a lot of my own family. I would be full of anger and resentment. More than I already am sometimes.

How do you move forward in life if you don’t forgive? How do you build relationships if you are incapable of forgiving? How can we expect others to forgive us for our own mistakes if we aren’t willing to do the same?

Forgiveness is tricky. Even though I feel forgiveness is always the best and first answer; at what cost do we forgive? How many times do I forgive the same mistake?

According to the Mathew 18:21:22 “Peter came to Jesus and asked,”Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven?” Jesus answered,”I tell you, not seven but seventy-seven times.”

So I’ll continue to forgive even when I know they don’t deserve it. Because I know there were times when I didn’t deserve it. Because I know everyone is dealing with their own demons. Everyone is reacting to their own hurt. Everyone is trying to defend their own heart even if it’s at the expense of yours. I can’t blame others for trying to protect themselves.

I don’t give up on people. I will always be your biggest supporter to the point that it’s hurts. I guess that’s why I tend to befriend those who are hurting because they need to know someone will always be in their corner even when they make mistakes. Especially when they make mistakes. That there is at least one person that won’t give up on them. That makes them feel safe to not be perfect.

I think I know they could use this person because I am one of these hurt people. I am a broken person looking for forgiveness while I continue to grow. So I can only do what I know best which is to continue to forgive. I have to be the change I want to see in the world. Because when I let go of my anger and resentments I feel at peace. Even if its only for the day. I am still able to move on with my life and accept others for who they are.

The good and also the very ugly and bad.

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All I can do is write about it…

Thank you lynyrd skynyrd for your music first off.

Today I went hiking to help with my anxiety and at the top I decided to stop and relax and write. So here is what I wrote.

I am sitting here on top of a mountain overlooking my home and I feel content. I am thankful for this moment. I am thankful for nature. I am thankful for the peace I am feeling within myself. I have some skynyrd playing in my ears, a cool breeze against my skin and a beautiful view in front of me. All seems right.

Earlier today I spent my day stressing and feeling overwhelmed. I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I was letting my thoughts consume me. I was letting them control my life. But up here on the mountain everything is as it should be.

It’s cool and peaceful and everything feels right being up here alone. I am a firm believe in everything happens for a reason. Everything and everyone in your life has a purpose. When someone hurts you I believe it’s time to take a hard long look at ourselves and figure out why it affected us that way. You can learn something from everyone you meet. It doesn’t always mean they will be nice to you. There is a good chance they will abuse your trust and possibly manipulate you.

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